Anxiety & "Being Chill": Why Perfectionists Struggle with Letting Things Go

Key Takeaway

Perfectionists struggle with letting things go because they’ve been conditioned, often by cultural pressures, family expectations, or personal experiences, to link their value directly to achieving flawless outcomes. Overcoming this anxiety-driven cycle doesn’t mean accepting mediocrity; it involves intentionally challenging the internalized belief that mistakes equal personal failure, practicing small acts of imperfection to prove that the consequences aren’t catastrophic, and actively choosing mental peace over exhausting perfection, enabling you to feel fulfilled without losing your drive.

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Perfectionists often struggle to just relax or “be chill” because their minds won’t allow it. They carry an internal pressure that everything must be done perfectly or not at all. This intense need to avoid mistakes and uncertainty creates anxiety that makes it nearly impossible for them to let things go and move on. In short, a perfectionist’s fear of imperfection and losing control keeps them constantly on edge, preventing them from ever truly being at ease.

Fear of Failure Drives Relentless Perfection

A deep fear of failure is at the heart of why perfectionists can’t let things go. They often imagine the worst-case scenarios if they don’t get everything exactly right, from disappointing others to ruining opportunities. This overwhelming dread pushes them to double-check, overwork, or endlessly tweak tasks instead of finishing and moving on. Over time, this constant worry creates a heavy load of stress and anxiety. In essence, perfectionists live with an inner voice telling them that anything short of perfect is a disaster, a mindset that makes it impossible to relax or say “it’s fine as it is.” 

The Need for Control and Zero Chill

Another major factor is a perfectionist’s intense need for control. Letting go means trusting that things will be okay without their constant input, which feels unbearable to someone used to micromanaging every detail. Perfectionists often believe that if they aren’t vigilantly in control, things will fall apart. This need for certainty and predictability means they struggle with spontaneity or accepting that some things just happen outside their control.

The truth is, the world is full of unpredictability but a perfectionist’s brain resists this fact, fueling more anxiety. As one expert put it, the relentless drive for perfection “creates a breeding ground for anxiety” as fear of failure and the need for control grow with every task. The result is zero chill: a perpetual state of tension and over-alertness that keeps perfectionists from ever truly relaxing.

Self-Worth Hinges on Perfection

Perfectionism isn’t just about actions, it’s deeply tied to how someone views themselves. Many perfectionists feel their worth is conditional, believing they’re only valuable when they’re achieving something impressive. Success equals worth, and a mistake or less-than-perfect result feels like personal failure in their eyes. With self-esteem on the line, it’s no wonder they struggle to let anything go that isn’t just right.

They may think thoughts like, “If I don’t do this perfectly, I’m a failure,” equating a flawed outcome with being a flawed person. This mindset is known as conditional self-worth, encapsulated by the belief, “I am only a good person if I can achieve these things.”

Because their identity is so wrapped up in being perfect, perfectionists find it extremely hard to drop an issue or walk away from a task that isn’t living up to their high standards. They keep pushing, correcting, and holding on, fearing that letting go equals losing their self-worth.

All-or-Nothing Thinking Keeps Them Anxious

Perfectionists are prone to all-or-nothing thinking, a cognitive distortion where anything less than 100% success feels like 0% failure. This rigid mindset makes it hard to find a middle ground or be satisfied with “good enough.” For example, if a perfectionist falls slightly short of an ideal outcome, they see it as a complete failure. This black-and-white view creates enormous pressure, and constant anxiety because there’s no room for normal human imperfection.

It also leads to overanalysis: they will replay conversations, re-read emails, or revise work repeatedly in an attempt to eliminate every flaw. Unfortunately, this only reinforces their stress and self-criticism. Being chill requires tolerance for imperfection and uncertainty, but all-or-nothing thinking robs them of that. Instead, the perfectionist gets stuck in a loop of rumination (“What did I do wrong? How can I fix it?”) that makes letting go of the issue feel impossible. Over time, this pattern is exhausting and can even lead to burnout, as nothing ever feels truly finished or “safe” enough to stop worrying about.

Cultural and Generational Pressures: Always On, Never "Chill"

Another layer behind this struggle is the cultural or family messages many of us carry. If you grew up in an environment that valued achievement above all, you might have internalized that relaxing equals slacking. This can be especially true for many people of color and children of immigrants, who often hear some version of “You have to work twice as hard to be half as good”. That blunt saying, passed down with good intentions, packs a punch: it taught you that anything less than perfection might not be enough to succeed or to be accepted. One second-generation immigrant described feeling how she “was not entitled to or deserving of rest” because she always had to prove herself through achievements, a belief that led to unrelenting anxiety and even insomnia. When “being chill” or taking a break was never modeled as an option, it’s no surprise you feel guilty (or even panicky) when you do try to unwind.

Cultural expectations can also make perfectionism even heavier. For instance, Black women often contend with the “Strong Black Woman” ideal a pressure to handle everything with grace and never show vulnerability. In such cases, any slip or need for help might be seen as a weakness. Similarly, some of us grew up with parents or grandparents who didn’t really “get” anxiety or self-care. Maybe your family’s motto was to push through every challenge without complaint. That can leave you feeling that if you’re not constantly on your A-game, you’re letting everyone down. These cultural and generational influences don’t affect everyone the same way, but they can silently whisper in our ear: “Don’t let your guard down. Don’t relax, people are counting on you to be perfect.” It’s a heavy load that makes the notion of “letting things go” feel not just difficult, but almost irresponsible.

The takeaway? If you’ve struggled with being chill, remind yourself that there may be deeper reasons your brain’s wiring, your upbringing, societal messages and that makes it challenging. There’s nothing “wrong” with you; in fact, your difficulty relaxing is often a learned response to these pressures. But no matter where it came from, you deserve relief from that constant tension. Below, we’ll look at how you can start to find it.

Understanding the Struggle and Finding Balance

Perfectionists struggle with letting things go because of these intertwined reasons, fear of failure, need for control, self-worth concerns, and all-or-nothing thinking, all of which feed into their anxiety. The very traits that drive them to excel also leave them with “zero chill” when it comes to life’s imperfections. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change. While being chill doesn’t come naturally to a perfectionist, it is possible to learn how to loosen that grip. By challenging unhelpful thoughts, practicing self-compassion, and gradually facing the fear of not being perfect, even the most tightly wound person can start to find some peace and flexibility.

If you’re a perfectionist, tired of feeling anxious and unable to let go, you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Marian Cooper offers specialized perfectionism therapy to help high achievers break free from the stress of unrealistic expectations. Her therapeutic approach can guide you in overcoming perfectionist habits, managing anxiety, and finding a healthier balance. Don’t let the pursuit of perfect control your life, reach out today and start your journey toward a more relaxed, authentic, and fulfilling life.